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Jem and the Holograms
(We open with a parody of the Jem theme song, with NC, wearing a pink shirt and a pink wig, dancing and singing on a stage much like Jem) NC and background singers (vo; singing): Critic! Critic's excitement Ooh, Critic He's flashy and things like that Fashion, glitter, turning heads and actually ??? Critic! He's truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly a critic Critic's my name, as we clearly explain! (Malcolm and Tamara pop up, also wearing stylish wigs on their heads, like the Misfits) Singers (vo): Hey, and we're in this! We're in this! Hey, and we're in this! (NC pushes them away) NC (vo): I don't care, cause I'm almost truly as I mentioned before a critic! Critic's my name, did you get that part about me saying, "Critic's my name"? Critic! (The song ends, and then we cut to a mansion where NC, Malcolm and Tamara, still dressed, talk with each other) NC: Well, in our first cinematic motion picture that we're gonna show to the world, yes, we're gonna use our hologram computers to disguise who we really are! Tamara: Why? NC: I don't know, but we gotta keep this life-changing technology a secret, and only use it to sing songs and take down other competing bands. Malcolm: Oh, like the Misfits or the Stingers? NC: No! And we'll do it while supporting my 12 foster kids! Tamara: 12 foster kids? NC: I was very inspired by BrAngelina. And maybe, just maybe, we'll talk about movies. Malcolm: Well, what are we waiting for? Tamara: Yeah! Slap that pointless music video credit below and let's get glittering! (That music caption is then randomly shown below) (NC and the two do a stylish pose, until they suddenly frown) NC: Um, cut. (The background image of their mansion is soon replaced with a greenscreen, revealing that the trio were performing a scene in a filming directed by the Analysts (Rob and Malcolm)) Analyst 2: Critic, we told you, you're not allowed to say cut because you're not directing this. Analyst 1: Yes, the chart made that quite clear. (Brings out a chart saying "Critic No") NC: I just don't feel like this is what people are gonna be looking for with a Nostalgia Critic theatrical release. Tamara: Yeah, this isn't really what the show is about. Analyst 2: Trust me. We worked on the Jem movie. Analyst 1: Yes, and if there's anything we've figured out, it's that people want adaptations with 80s music, holograms, and truly outrageous adventures. Malcolm: Are you sure that's not what they just want it for a Jem movie? Analyst 1: I don't understand. Can you phrase your question in the form of a chart? Malcolm: Um... (Writes something on a piece of paper and reveals the chart to be saying, "Just wanted a real Jem movie. You're an idiot") Analyst 1: I can't understand him through his accent. Analyst 2: Why don't we take a break for all of us to collect our thoughts? Analyst 1: Good idea! I'll calculate the probability of me relaxing. (The Analysts leave, with Analyst 1 typing on a phone) Ha! Zero. (NC, Malcolm and Tamara leave the filming room, with NC now dressed in his normal get-up) Tamara: Does this feel right to you? NC: I don't know. I mean, the chart says... (Malcolm slaps him in the head) Thank you. (Sits down on his reviewing chair) I mean, if this is what the mass audience wants, we should at least try it. Tamara: Have you seen the Jem movie? NC: Well, for the sake of this analogy to work, I'll say no. Malcolm: Why don't you watch it first? (Footage of the Jem cartoon is shown) NC (vo): The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated 80s cartoon. Just, just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself. NC: It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie. (Footage of the movie is shown) NC (vo): The film is quickly being regarded as one of the worst adaptations of all time. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theatres in literally two weeks. Two weeks! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein was a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show. NC: Is it worth all the hatred? Well, spike up your hair and ignore the little voice in your head saying, "This is wrong". This is Jem and the Holograms... Tamara: Uh, we're still here. NC: So you are. (After a pause of the trio staring at each other, NC pulls out his gun, which causes Malcolm and Tamara to leave) Malcolm and Tamara: Okay. Okay. See you later. Okay. Have a nice review. Bye. (NC puts his gun down and begins his review) NC: ...grams. (The movie starts) NC Voiceover: You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions. Known primarily for making horror films. (Cuts to NC) NC: That's so easy I'm just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you BETTER have tougher material for me later. (Cuts to movie) NC Voiceover: We open with performer and fame shark-nado star, Audrey Peeples playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem. Jerrica: ...my little sister, Kimber. And you know how people go online and overshare every tiny little detail and your life is just an open e-book for everyone to see... (Cuts to NC) NC: Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? I'll let this one pass too. In fact, give me the first hit! You can have the first hit! It's OK! (Hand punches NC's face) NC: Great! Now I have to be relentless on ya! (Cuts to movie) NC: She lives with her aunt, Molly Ringwald. No, really. Molly Ringwald is in this. (Cuts to NC) NC: Oh, I'll give you two seconds to let out a little cry. (He imitates crying for two seconds) NC: Okay. (Cuts to movie) NC: ...who has two foster daughters and according to Jerrica... Jerrica: There's only one missing piece. My dad. (Cuts to NC) NC: Because in all bad movies, dead mothers don't mean shit! (Cuts to movie) Jerrica: He would call me his diamond in the rough, or his... gem. (Cuts to NC) NC: Spelled with a J. He specifically said that every time. (Cuts to movie) NC Voiceover: He's working on a device called "Synergy." Yep. That's the super computer from the show. (Cuts to NC) NC: Don't blink or you'll confuse which one is which! (The images of both Synergy depictions appear beside him as he talks.) (Cuts to movie) NC Voiceover: And by the way, they do never say what he died of, but by looking at his INCREDIBLY deteriating health, you KNOW it just had to be Broad-Shoulder-Itis. You know, the same that took her mother that doesn't exist. Jerrica: I still feel like he's with me. (The film's title screen pops up in the static) (Cuts to NC) NC: Oh and by the way, that's not the title. They're just reminding you that you ARE watching Jem and the Holograms. You didn't wander into the wrong theater. (Cuts to movie) Jerrica: Now, what you're thinking that this many girls under one roof, recipe for disaster, right? Well, if you thinking that, that's sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself. (Cuts to NC) NC: Yeah. They do non-sexist things like getting arguments on what clothes to wear. (Cuts to movie) (The sisters are arguing about the clothes.) (Cuts to NC) NC: It's almost like a 36-year old man wrote this. (Cuts to movie) Sister 1: I don't wanna look like a fashion refugee from 1985! (Cuts to NC) NC: Let's just measure the frustration of every pissed off Jem fan must be having with, say, a REALLY pissed off Jem fan with her hair serving as a mood ring. (A drawing of a pissed-off female Jem fan appears on stand by with her hair turning redder and growling the more she gets pissed off.) NC: Trust me, you're gonna see a lot of her. (This indicates the Jem Fan meter being an actual evaluation of a Jem fan's frustration. It goes into a fit of rage near the end, but we're not spoiling it right at this sentence.) MORE TO BE WRITTEN SOON. Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Articles that need improvement